Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc

Last week, I heard someone recount a story about a beautiful woman who was a dancer. When she was a teenager, she moved to New York City and met Martha Graham, America’s greatest modern dance choreographer. Martha fell in love with this girl and told her she was going to choreograph a full production, just for her.

The title of the ballet? Joan of Arc.

So there she was at 18 years old, and she was going to debut Martha’s ballet at Lincoln Center. And she was going to be Joan of Arc because that’s how Martha saw her.

On opening night, she was standing in the wings at Lincoln Center with all of New York’s dance mafia in attendance. The girl was shaking so hard with fear that her knees were literally knocking together. She had no idea how she would actually dance because she could not stop shaking.

So, she said a prayer. In earnest, she asked God to open up a hole open up in the earth to swallow her so she wouldn’t have to be there—so she wouldn’t have to exist anymore. And? It worked. She said a hole in the earth opened, and she was swallowed.

Then Joan of Arc walked out onto the stage.

This might be the best way to explain how athletes and performers do impossible things. When we ask them how they made the unthinkable winning goal or the unbelievable catch or how they became their character, their answers are often, “I don’t know.” Because, in a sense, they don’t.

They weren’t there. Not really.

The earth swallowed them up, and someone else walked out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recounting over the last few days. Because eerily similar to being a world-class performer or athlete, I feel like I can relate to this feeling and experience. Only not because I’m a world-class performer or athlete.

Because I was sexually assaulted during a run in broad daylight five days before Christmas, and I felt my body get swallowed by the earth.

I can sometimes still feel my spirit hovering above me, holding on by a string.

This kind of Trauma is wild. Because being swallowed by the earth is one thing.

Re-emerging is another feat entirely.